Les Claypool Discography

Les Claypool

Discography:
------------
Sailing the Seas of Cheese, Primus, 1991
Pork Soda, Primus, 1993
Tales from the Punchbowl, Primus, 1995
Highball with the Devil, Les Claypool and the Holy Mackerel, 1996
Purple Onion, The Les Claypool Frog Brigade, 2002
Animals Should Not Try to Act Like People, Primus, 2003
Of Whales and Woe, Les Claypool, 2006
Of Fungi and Foe, Les Claypool, 2009

(albums that I don't have)
The Sane Asylum, Blind Illusion, 1988
Suck On This, Primus, 1989
Frizzle Fry, Primus, 1990
Miscellaneous Debris, Primus, 1992
Riddles Are Abound Tonight, Primus reunion, 1988
Brown Album, Primus
Rhinoplasty, Primus, 1998
Live at Slim's/Turbulence Chest, Phonopsycograph Disk, 1999 (Claypool
  features on 8 of the 10 tracks)
Monsters and Robots, Buckethead, 1999 (Claypool features on and
  co-wrote 6 of the 13 tracks)
Antipop, Primus, 1999
Live Frogs, Set 1, Colonel Les Claypool's Fearless Flying Frog Brigade, 2001
Live Frogs, Set 2, Colonel Les Claypool's Fearless Flying Frog Brigade, 2001
The Grand Pecking Order, Oysterhead, 2001
The Big Eyeball in the Sky, Colonel Claypool's Bucket of Bernie Brains, 2004
They Can't All Be Zingers, Primus, 2006
Quest for Festeroo, Electric Apricot, 2008 (soundtrack, Claypool
  features on and co-wrote 5 of the 12 tracks)

Track Listings:
---------------
Sailing the Seas of Cheese
  Seas of Cheese
  Here Come the Bastards
  Sgt. Baker
  American Life
  Jerry Was a Race Car Driver
  Eleven
  Is It Luck?
  Grandad's Little Ditty
  Tommy the Cat
  Sathington Waltz
  Those Damned Blue-Collar Tweekers
  Fish On (Fisherman Chronicles, Chapter II)
  Los Bastardos

Pork Soda
  Pork Chop's Little Ditty
  My Name Is Mud
  Welcome to This World
  Bob
  DMV
  The Ol' Diamondback Sturgeon (Fisherman's Chronicles, Pt. 3)
  Nature Boy
  Wounded Knee
  Pork Soda
  The Pressman
  Mr. Krinkle
  The Air Is Getting Slippery
  Hamburger Train
  Pork Chop's Little Ditty
  Hail Santa

Tales from the Punchbowl
  Professor Nutbutter's House of Treats
  Mrs. Blaileen
  Wynona's Big Brown Beaver
  Southbound Pachyderm
  Space Farm
  Year of the Parrot
  Hellbound 17 1/2 (Theme from)
  Glass Sandwich
  Del Davis Tree Farm
  De Anza Jig
  On the Tweek Again
  Over the Electric Grapevine
  Captain Shiner

Highball with the Devil
  Running the Gauntlet
  Holy Mackerel
  Highball with the Devil
  Hendershot
  Calling Kyle
  Rancor
  Cohibas Esplenditos
  Delicate Tendrils
  The Awakening
  Precipitation
  George E. Porge
  El Sobrante Fortnight
  Granny's Little Yard Gnome
  Me and Chuck
  Carolina Rig

Purple Onion
  Purple Onion 
  David Makalaster
  Buzzards of Green Hill
  Long in the Tooth
  Whamola
  Ding Dang
  Barrington Hall
  D's Diner
  Lights in the Sky
  Up on the Roof
  David Makalaster II
  Cosmic Highway

Of Whales and Woe
  Back Off Turkey 
  One Better
  Lust Stings
  Of Whales and Woe
  Vernon the Company Man
  Phantom Patriot
  Iowan Gal
  Nothin' Ventured
  Rumble of the Diesel
  Robot Chicken
  Filipino Ray
  Off-White Guilt

Of Fungi and Foe
  Mushroom Men
  Amanitas
  Red State Girl
  Booneville Stomp
  What Would Sir George Martin Do
  You Can't Tell Errol Anything
  Bite Out of Life
  Kazoo
  Primed by 29
  Pretty Little Song
  Of Fungi and Foe
  Ol' Rosco 

Lyrics:
-------
(Album titles preceded by ##, Song titles by --)
(many lyrics from http://www.ram.org/music/primus/lyrics/)

##
Sailing the Seas of Cheese

--
Seas of Cheese

When the going gets tough
And the stomach acids flow
The cold wind of conformity
Is nipping at your nose
When some trendy new atrocity
Has brought you to your knees
Come with us we'll sail the
Seas of Cheese

--
Here Come the Bastards

Here they come
Here come the bastards
I heard it from a confidant -
Who heard it from a confidant
They're definitely on their way
There's one with this idea
Something about a hammer head shark
Nosehairs and flatus
Best keep your distance because
Here they come here come the bastards
Bury your head deep in the sand
Anonymity is a virtue in this day and age
Amazing hand dexterity
Flagrant misuse of security
Better run, run, run, run, run
Run Run Run Run, here they come.

--
Sgt. Baker

Sgt. Baker is my name
I'm gonna teach you how to play the game
of warfare
Suddenly it appears to me
You got a bit much dignity
For your own good, boy
Yes sir, yes sir.

I will rape your personality
Pummel you with my own philosophy
Strip you of your self-integrity
To make you all a bit like me
I said right, left

Sgt. Baker here again
And if you calls me "puddin Tame"
I'll stomp you down, boy
Steers and Queers
Steers and Queers where you come
from there's just steers and queers
And you ain't got no horns, boy
Yes sir, yes sir

I will rape your personality
Pummel you with my own philosophy
Strip you of your self-integrity
To make you all a bit like me
I said right, left

--
American Life

In a town in southernmost Sicily
Lived a family too proud to be poor
In the year that fever took father away
They hastened for American shores
Now a mother and her son are standing in line
It's a cold day on Ellis Isle
And they look to the Statue of Liberty
For the boy we have American Life

Ong is a Laotian refugee
He works in the audio trade
The smoke from flux is filling his lungs
He's earning minimum wage
Spending spare time down on
San Pablo ave
Once a week gets a woman for the night
And he writes home tales of prosperity
For the boy we have American Life

Bob is an unemployed veteran
Born and bred in the South Bronx
He's living off the streets down in east L.A.
Residing in a cardboard box
Now he plays a little quit and he has a small dog
Searching for aluminum cans
And he hold on tight to his dignity
He was born into American Life

--
Jerry Was a Race Car Driver

Jerry was a race car driver
And he drove so goddamned fast
He never did win no checkered flag
But he never did come in last
Jerry was a race car driver
He'd say "El Sob number one"
With a Bocephus sticker
On his 442 he'd light 'em up
Just for fun

Captain Pierce was a fireman
Richmond engine #3
I'll be a wealthy man when I get
A dime for all the things that
Man taught to me
Captain Pierce was a strong man
Strong as any man alive
It stuck in his craw that they
Made him retire at the age of 65

Jerry was a race car driver
22 years old
Had too many cold beers one night
And wrapped himself around a telephone pole.

--
Eleven

I just can't seem to blend
Into society
I have no hope for this dim
Simplicity of law and order
By whose rules I see no rhyme in
the reason
I hold no hope for this holy treason
Of love and so soft
By whose standards
They tell me, they tell me
Who are they, who is they

--
Is it Luck?

My socks and shoes always match
Is it Luck?
There's a foot at the end of each of my legs
Is it Luck? I can play my bass for you
Is it Luck? Some gals like to kiss my face
Is it Luck? Is it Luck?
There was food inside your mouth today
Is it Luck? Your barber cuts your hair just so
Is it Luck? When the taste of sex is on your lips
Is it Luck? Is it Luck?

Cyanide works oh so fast
Is it Luck? Polyester makes you sweat
Is it Luck? If a graham cracker gets you off
Is it Luck
Love. Love?
Is it Luck? Is it Luck?


She said she wanted my body not my mind so I showed her my dictionary
to show the words that I know and how loquacious I can be when I set
my mind down to it, and she wasn't impressed.  She wasn't impressed at
all.

She whispered in my ear.  she said. `Wanna get lucky little boy?' Well
I smiled. I smiled and I said: "Is it luck?"

--
Grandad's Little Ditty

As I stand in the Shower
Singing Opera and such
Pondering the possibility that I
Pull the pud too much
There's a scent that fills the air
Is it flatus?  Just a touch.
And it makes me think of you.

--
Tommy the Cat

"I remember as it were a meal ago," said Tommy the Cat as he reeled
back to clear whatever foreign matter may have nestled its way into
his mighty throat.  Many a fat alley rat had met its demise while
staring point blank down the cavernous barrel of this awesome prowling
machine.  Truly a wonder of nature this urban predator.  Tommy the cat
had many a story to tell, but it was a rare occasion such as this that
he did.

"She came slidin' down the alleyway like butter drippin' off a hot
biscuit.  The aroma, the mean scent, was enough to arouse suspicion in
even the oldest of Tigers that hung around the hot spot in those
days.  The sight was beyond belief.  Many a head snapped for double,
even triple, takes as this vivacious feline made her her way into the
delta of the alleyway where the most virile of the young tabbys were
known to hang out.  They hung in droves.  Such a multitude of
masculinity could only be found in one place... and that was
O'malley's Alley.  The air was thick with cat calls (no pun intended)
but not even a muscle in her neck did twitch as she sauntered up into
the heart of the alley.  She knew what she wanted.  She was lookin'
for that stud bull, the he cat.  And that was me.  Tommy the Cat is my
name and I say unto thee...

Say baby do you wanna lay down by me"

--
Sathington Waltz
[Instrumental]

--
Those Damned Blue-Collar Tweekers

I've seen them out at Soco
They're pounding sixteen penny nails
The truckers on the interstate
Have been known to ride the rails
The sweat is beating on the brow
Can't keep these fellas down
'Cause those damned blue-collared tweekers
Are runnin' this here town

I knew a man who hung drywall
He hung it mighty quick
A trip or two to the blue room
Would help him do the trick
His foreman would pat him on the back
Whenever he would come around
'Cause these dammed blue-collar tweekers
Are beloved in this here town

Now the union boys are there
To protect us from all the corporate type
While curious George's drug patrol
Is out here hunting snipe
Now they try to tell me different
But you know I ain't no clown
'Cause those damned blue-collar tweekers
Are the backbone of this town

Now the flame that burns twice as bright
Burns only half as long
My eyes are growing weary
As I finalize this song
So sit back and have a cup o' joe
And watch the wheels go round
'Cause those damned blue-collar tweekers
Have always run this town

--
Fish On (Fisherman's Chronicles, Chapter II)

Felt a pang late one afternoon
I was fishin' off Muir beach
With Larry LaLonde
Grabbed a tuna salad sandwich
And I started to chew
Pretty soon Ler's yellin'
        "fish on, fish on."

I was just a little pup
And it was derby day
Was dad and me and Darrell
Out in San Pablo bay
Taco flavored Doritos
And my orange life vest
Dad caught a hundred pound sturgeon
On twenty-pound test
Now he fought that fish for an hour
And a half
Darrell'd say "Jump ya sons a bitch!"
And he grabbed for the gaff
When we got him in the boat
He measured six feet long
I was so danged impressed I had
To write a song called
        Fish on

T'was a bright and sunny day
It was me and Todd Huth
Fishin' shark & stingray
Out of Bolinas Lagoon
Well hey, hey, hey I'll be screwed,
Blued and tatooed
Looks like I got me one of them fish on
        Fish on.

--
Los Bastardos

Shut up you bastards!

##
Pork Soda

--
Pork Chop's Little Ditty
[Instrumental]

--
My Name Is Mud

My name is Mud
Not to be confused with Bill or Jack or Pete or Dennis
My name is mud and it's always been
'Cause I'm the most boring sons-a-bitch you've ever seen
I dress in blue-yes navy blue
From head to toe I'm rather drab except my patent shoes
I make 'em shine, well most the time
'Cept today my feet are troddin' on by this friend of mine
Six foort two and rude as hell
I got to get him in the ground before he starts to smell
My name is Mud

My name is Mud, but call me Alowishus Devadander Abercrombie
That's long for Mud so I've been told
Told that by this sonsabitch that lies before me bloated blue and cold
I've got my pride, I drink my wine
I'd drink the finest except I haven't earned a dime in several months
Or were it years
The breath on that fat bastard could bring any man to tears
We had our words, a common spat
So I kissed him upside the cranium with an aluminum baseball bat
My name is Mud

--
Welcome to This World

Oh, welcome to this world of fools
Of pink champagne and swimming pools
Well, all you have to lose is your virginity
Perhaps we'll have some fun tonight so stick around and take a bite of life
We don't need feebleness in this proximity

Ask good MacDuff and Donalbain, so many good ideas are slain
By those who would dare not step out of line
But if I have my way tonight and chances are I think I might-
I'll turn those sour minds to grapes of wine

CHORUS
Welcome to this world

Don't judge the boy by what you hear
The words are heard beyond the ear
The heart and mind are focus for this conversation
But be abound in mystery for that so much you do to me
For there are those who drown in adulation

CHORUS

If I had a dime for each time that I heard them preach
Well I'd have wicked thoughts upon my brain

--
Bob

I had a friend that took a belt, took a belt and hung himself
Hung himself in the doorway of the apartment where he lived
His woman and his little bro came home from the grocery store
Only to find him dangling in the apartment where he lived

I had a friend who shaved his head
Put his Doctor Martins on
And drew such wondrous pictures in the apartment where he lived
He praised my creativity, though he spoke sarcastically
Oh, the conversations in the apartment where he lived

I had a friend that took a belt, took a belt and hung himself
Hung himself in the doorway of the apartment where he lived
Rock, she thought him spiteful; Ler, he thought him pitiful
Me, I've never been back to the apartment where he lived

--
DMV

I've been to hell. I spell it...I spell it DMV
Anyone that's been there knows precisely what I mean
Stood there and I've waited and choked back the urge to scream
And if I had my druthers I'd screw a chimpanzee-call it pointless

When I need relief I spell it THC
Perhaps you may know vaguely what I mean
I sit back and smoke away huge chunks of memory
As I slowly inflict upon myself a full lobotomy-call it pointless

Barbecues, tea kettles, gobs of axle grease
There comes a time for every man to sail the seas of cheese
Now, life's a bowl of bagel dogs, but there are unpleasantries
Cold toilet seats, dentist chairs and trips to DMV-call it pointless

I've been to hell. I spell it...I spell it DMV
Anyone that's been there knows precisely what I mean
I've stood in line and waited near an hour and fifteen
And if I had my druthers I'd screw that chimpanzee-call it pointless

--
The Ol' Diamondback Sturgeon (Fisherman's Chronicles, Pt. 3)

The old diamondback sturgeon came swimmin' along
Minding his business one day
Rooting and sniffing and urging to spawn
In the mud flats of San Pablo Bay

A scent came around so he followed his snout
He found what was to his surprise
A golden morsel, a tidbit, a tight bunch of grass shrimp
Was there right before this buck's eyes

He circle round twice and he took a big whiff
Then sucked up this savory meal
Then came a jolt and to the diamondback's surprise
Through his lips cut the cold, barbed steel

In a panic the old diamondback sped to the north
He sped to the east, west and south
But the harder he swam, he still could not break free
From the "tugging" that pulled at his mouth

The old diamondback sturgeon came swimmin' along
Minding his business one day

--
Nature Boy

I pull the blinds then I take my clothes off
Dance around the house like nature boy
My genitalia and pectoral muscles aren't quite what I would like them to be
But you don't see me
No one can see me

I pull my blinds
Fill out my income tax form
Pen in hand I write so legibly
I have my kitty. His name is Allowishus, I stroke him
But you don't see me
No one should see me

I pull the blinds 
For the sun glares off my tele and I find it quite so irritating
I have my videos-loads of Ren and Stimpy
Bottom-a bit of pornography
But you don't see me
No one should see me

????????
I've been persecuted since I sailed in through the door!
And I've been known to sing a song in 3 and 4 and 5!
And I've been gettin my ass chewed out since the day I arrived here!

--
Wounded Knee
[Instrumental]

--
Pork Soda

Now listen up you know ya come home from working that nine to five and
lay yourself down on burgundy couch, you know, it never really was
burgundy.  It was red, and you painted with the goddamn sprinkler and
now you have bits and pieces of burgundy stuck to your butt every time
you get off of it. You never tell your family, you never tell your
family because, you know, ol' Junior, he's got no brains, and what can
you do? What can you do?  (And old Junior, you know, got a little crazy
with that P.B.J. that one day...??)

CHORUS
Grab yourself a can of pork soda
You'll be feeling just fine
Ain't nothin' quite like sittin' 'round the house
Swillin' down them Cans of swine

Ha ha ha! Yes, Dad's an idiot alright!

Well, alright, I'm really starting to worry about you. You had to have
that two-car garage with the large driveway so you could park that
goddamn boat in it. If it wasn't for the boat (blah blah blah)

CHORUS

I like Kansas wine...

Well, maybe it's something simpler, like your team lost or your
girlfriend used to be a guy, you know, I don't know. I mean...(blah
blah blah)

--
The Pressman

By the light of the lamp I sit to type-my notes on tab at my side
I don't see the sun much these days
A fluorescent tan covers my hide
How much impact shall I have this time?
My goal today is to reach the deadline
I write between the lines
I deal with fantasy
I report the facts
Give them to me, please

Ham and egg salad on white bread keeps me company on nights like this
A pack of mentholated cigarettes keeps my air nice and thick
When I write, words flow like coins from a candy box
Get out of my way
I've got something to say

The pulse is beating louder now
The cramps in my hands grow more intense with each 
Tik, tik, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap on the keys
My social life is at an end so it seems to be
Why don't I trample on your lawn today?
I'll take skies of blue, turn over skies of grey
I write between the lines
I deal with fantasy
I am the pressman
Acknowledge me

Mother always told me never stray too far from home
The little lady said, "Boy, you'll never have to be alone,
Because,"
You build with fountain pen
You create the memory stain
You are the pressman
Stand up straight, boy

--
Mr. Krinkle

Hello Mr. Krinkle
How are you today?
Seems the rumors are about your team might move away
Now, me I'm sentimental
But I'm not one to cry

Say there Mr. Krinkle let's cruise the Bastard boat
Damn them sonsabitches with their gill-nets set afloat
I flip on my tele and I watch the waters die
C'mon Mr. Krinkle tell me why

Hey ho Mr. Krinkle have you heard the brand new sound
It's a cross between Jimi Hendrix
Bocephus, Cher and James Brown
It's called "Heavy Hometown"
New Wave, cold-filtered, low-calorie dry
C'mon Mr. Krinkle tell me why

--
The Air Is Getting Slippery

It's incredibly hot in here today, incredibly hot in here
It's incredibly hot in here today, incredibly hot in here
The air is getting slippery and it's not to my surprise
My heart, it beats irregularly and the sweat it fills my eyes
I do not mind what I excrete 'cause
I'm here to make a buck
And those that cannot take the heat can take a flying...
Forgive me if I hesitate
It's incredibly hot in here today, incredibly hot in here

The dogs are barking merrily as Jerry sits on high
If you've studied your Floyd properly, you'd know that pigs could fly
Now if you want an encore you might hear it is luck
But me, I'd rather play Residents, 'cause I don't give a...
Forgive me if I hesitate
It's incredibly hot in here today, incredibly hot in here

Now, Fatty, he's a hell of a guy but he sweats like a dancing mule
He likes to hang out at Checker Gas with the Chets he knew from high school
He sold enough crystal meth to buy a stepside truck
But if you ask me twice I'd say the boy ain't worth a...
Forgive me if I hesitate
It's incredibly hot in here today, incredibly hot in here

The act of perspiration is far beyond control
If the heat compels to aspirate please try not to miss the bowl
If sweatiness makes you horny, well darlin' I think you're in luck
'Cause all this clever banter gives me the urge to FUCK

--
Hamburger Train

It's the guy from the Hamburger Train, mate!

--
Pork Chop's Little Ditty
[Instrumental]

--
Hail Santa
[Instrumental]

##
Tales from the Punchbowl

--
Professor Nutbutter's House of Treats

C'mon kiddies gather round.  Who's your foremost friend in town?
From main to maple the name resounds, Professor Nutbutter.
He's the one, the humble one, the Barkley County prodigal son.
Here to serve only you, Professor Nutbutter.
At old Nutbutter's house of treats from jellied jams to sacks of
  sweets,
There's creamy and nutatious spreads for all.
Chemist, master of entomology the professor for a modest fee
Will cure what ails you, guaranteed Professor Nutbutter.
        It's alright, don't fear the worm.
C'mon kiddies don't be shy be youthful til the day you die.
The man the myth, the magic of Professor Nutbutter.
He's the one the only one the Meeklybville prodigal son.
Here to help us with ourselves, Professor Nutbutter
        It's alright to fear the worm.

[It's all right to fear the worm. The worm, the worm is our friend.
 Um, but not all of the properties of the worm can be, uh, fully,
 fully, well, appreciated by the, uh, the human body itself, but, um
 it's, it's, it's, it's ok to, to fear the worm. Um, I, myself, have
 had no, uh, problems with the worm but in a certain situation, uh, I
 would feel like, what, what, uh, ramifications, um, could occur?  Uh,
 there's, there's really no need to, uh, to fear much of anything, you
 know. Fear of the, fear of the temptation is a, more, probably, more,
 more, appropriate word in this particular scenario.  Um, the, uh,
 well, It, depends on what you want, I suppose. It really depends on,
 on what you want.]

--
Mrs. Blaileen

Mrs. Blaileen - she was a sixth grade teacher
And she controlled the children
By using humiliation.
The target always seemed to be Donny.
He was a bit slower than the others.
When he was quite young
His mother died at the kitchen table
While choking on some food.
The fashion of the day
Was bleach and tied Levi's.
Donny decided to make some,
But he didn't know to rinse them.
So he came to school a reekin'.
Bleach stench filled the classroom.
Mrs. Blaileen began to chastise.
She made him feel like an asshole
two feet small.
        Oh what a lonely boy.
Don and Ronald
They always stuck together
For they were a bit different than the others
And they were as tight as brothers
Then Ronald moved away.
Now Steven
He was year or two younger
And he really thought he was something.
He liked to harass other children
Or anyone he found outnumbered.

Alone Don walks from fishing.
Steven and his friend they stop him.
They took his hat and they taunt him,
Pimp-slap him with a newspaper.
Don lunged forward with his fish knife
Then ran all the way home weeping.
He gave his knife to his father and
Said "I think I hurt Steve."
        Oh what a lonely boy.

--
Wynona's Big Brown Beaver

Wynona's got herself a big brown beaver
and she shows it off to all her friends.
One day, you know, that beaver tried to leave her,
So she caged him up with cyclone fence.
Along came Lou with the old baboon
And said "Recognize that smell?"
"Smells like seven layers,
That beaver eats Taco Bell."
Now Rex he was a Texan out of New Orleans
And he travelled with the carnival shows.
He ran bumper cars, sucked cheap cigars
And he candied up his nose.
He got wind of the big brown beaver
So he though he'd take himself a peek,
But the beaver was quick
And grabbed him by the kiwis.
Now he ain't pissed for a week.
(And a half!)
Now Wynona took her big brown beaver,
And she stuck him up in the air.
Said "I sure do love this big brown beaver
And I wish I did have a pair."
Now the beaver once slept for seven days
And it gave us all an awful fright.
So I tickled his chin and I gave him a pinch
And the bastard tried to bite me.
Wynona loved her big brown beaver
And she stroked him all the time.
She pricked her finger one day and it
Occurred to her she might have a porcupine.

--
Southbound Pachyderm

Quite a suprise
What an ingenious device
Boredom encompasses my time
I don't know what I should do

Indulging a moment of your time
Seldom the breeder of lies
But you won't believe that it's true

They take to the sky
Southbound Pachyderm

Pinholes through cardboard
At the Sun
Passing the bucks by one by one
Leaving nothing in return

Watching the majesty blow past
Speculating which will be the last
Savoring my piece of pie

And there is no reprise
They're filling the sky
Southbound Pachyderm

--
Space Farm
[Instrumental]

--
Year of the Parrot

In the year of our Lord
Call it 1994
A fine vintage of mimicry

There are those that take their sound
From someone else's Toil
Liking to parrots you see

I've seen the likes of Kate Bush
And Van Morrison
Teaching the parrots to sing

Take a Zepplin riff
And you alter it a bit
And make lots of money
It's called plagiarism

You want some of that cheese
Just take a big ol' bite
Careful not to choke on it please

Now here we go
It's called plagiarism

--
Hellbound 17 1/2 (theme from)

Questions deserving answers
Answers deserving action
What am I of the populi
I am but a fraction

Is there heaven?  Is there Hell?
Is that tuna melt I smell?
Come on

--
Glass Sandwich

He stood in line with the rest
And waited got his chance
To take his place behind the glass
And watch the ladies dance

It's the nature of things

He stepped into the darkened space
The air was thick and warm
He drops the coins in one by one
The scene unfolds before him

He stands looking eye to thigh
As she looks down from above
Only to be recognized
As his former love

It's the nature of things

--
Del Davis Tree Farm

Del Davis sold a Christmas tree
Stood up to 8 feet tall
Season was lookin' mighty thin
He'd hoped to sell 'em all
  Here he comes with a dollar in his hand
  Represents the epitomized man

The boy liked rock 'n' roll
Seemed that's the way he paid his way
  With the help of Del and them "Doogs"
  There's a bit more joy this holiday
Here he comes...

--
De Anza Jig

Oh I can still remember
Jenny Hernando
She was my little lovely one
When I was seventeen.
I remember the day that she
Gave me her viriginity
And then she gave it to everyone
In our vicinity.

Oh I can still remember
Julie Tolentino
The dancing Filipino
We used to run around.
Her and Flouncin' Freddy
Were going hot and steady.
Now she runs a dyke bar,
The biggest one in town.

I can still remember my
Old friend Todd Squelati
I watching him snort a
Milkshake right up his nose.
He slurped it up the left side.
Blew it out the right side.
How he ever kept it down,
I will never know.

Of course I still remember
Ol Flouncin' Freddy
We were pumping gas
Down at El Sobrante Shell
His Mustang was his pride n' joy
He liked to dance the cowboy,
Hanging out at Jack In the Box
But eat at Taco Bell.

--
On the Tweek Again

Used to come around here
To peddle his wares
A lot more takers now

The turkey "J"
You can taste the air
Around your face

His name was Barrest Jeffries
They picked him up twice
For cooking up amphetamine

Now he's on the tweek again
Drinking county prune
He doesn't mind so much

So we'd sit around the fire
Singing "Kumbaya"
"Kumbaya" I said

--
Over the Electric Grapevine

They headed southward from San Francisco,
To be with Chuckles and the others.
With electric in the air and peroxide in their hair,
They looked like golden brothers.
   They drove a Datsun, an automatic,
   The radio blaring static,
   He made a face into the light and burst out laughing at the sight.
   The hysteria ensuing would dominate the night.
From all the candy, the seats were sticky,
As they were drawn into the grapevine.
Then "Introduce Yourself" came on as they barreled through the gog.
The demon puffing madly on a mentholated log.
   They were tired, they were sleepy,
   So they parked behind the Roxy.
   Adam left to use the phone, so he sat there all alone,
   When Adam's voice come beaming through on the radio,
He started laughing...

--
Captain Shiner
[Instrumental]

##
Highball with the Devil

--
Running the Gauntlet

What are you wanting from me?
Look over my shoulder as much as you please.
We're primed and we're ready to go toe to toe with disease.

And what are you hoping to see?
Would it set you back if I drop to my knees?
We're running the gauntlet and filling our socks with debris.

And what kind of game shall it be?
If I played any faster, my tendons would freeze.
And the boys in the back room are charging exorbitant fees.

--
Holy Mackerel

Pick a name, pick a place.
Chances are I've had the means to be there.
Pick a date, pick a time,
I've got it from a friend of mine.
The ability to socialize.
Holy Mackerel
Once when I was young,
I troubled over imperfection in my knees.
When you cultivate a pompadour,
it's best to keep the top up for the breeze.
Cuts like hell, ya know.
Sporty was a poetry boy
and liked to puff his pipe into the night.
But since he sold him hits of ecstasy,
Johnn Law, he took a decade of his life.
That's a hunk o' life.
Holy Mackerel.

--
Highball with the Devil

He came to conquer what he could
but he held back
'Cause his tongue was tied by shy
So he laid the money down and he drank up
Put the sparkle in his eye
Sittin' down you saw his paunch
so he stood up
And he gazed across the room
The toxin squeezed the head
so he slipped back
He knew he left his seat too soon
A-Haw
Come the morning
We'll be waiting
and weilding the power
to paralyze
So we state now
for the records
you brought this upon you
Paralyze, agonize, terrorize

--
Hendershot

Lonely, homely boy they called him Lucy
Mama's little man
And she calls him Hendershot
His mama called him Hendershot

Be seen and not be heard, they told him
He grew into a big man they call
Hendershot
They always call him Hendershot

Walking down the side streets of SoHo
Chances are you'll bump into our friend
Hendershot
That's Hendershot

Sitting on a blanket near Saint Marks
is a man selling handbags he gets from
Hendershot
But he doesn't call him Hendershot

--
Calling Kyle

His momma used to dance at the Broadway
shows
Broadway, where the young men go to drop
the coins in one two three

He remembered walking in
Not knowing applesauce from sin
And uncles trotted one two three

Calling Kyle

His pop was met at the Ballpark Franks
He used to root the radio for Yanks
They said they's aerate the greens

On Coleman he would spot the sheep
On Christmas he'd kept the keep
Turkey Day saw no greens

Calling Kyle

--
Rancor

Rancor, rancor
Wake her up and thank her
Where's Billy Bob? Gene, weigh the anchor
Rancor, rancor
You really oughtn't spank her
Oh olalaberry
Rancor, rancor
Flarin' up my canker
Isabella Dzermann grew up to be a banker
Rancor, rancor
The parasite wanker
Does olalaberry
She thinks she's so complimentary
But it takes all kinda to bake a cake

--
Cohibas Esplenditos

Mr. Hamster and Hot Potato Man
turns the city on its ear.
Mr. Hamster takes Hot Potato Man
by the arm,
Bombay Sapphire in his hand

and Cohibas... Esplenditos.

Saw Mr. Potato Man the other day
down at the Wasteland.
He's a happy boy, full of vim and vigor
since the day he left his wife.
Him and the Hamster, at the nudie shows,
they like the finer things in life,

like Cohibas... Esplenditos.

--
Delicate Tendrils

Now, because you own , you possess.
You have something that they can take.
You remember how it was when you had nothing.
You looked at the ones who had what you wanted
and you felt strong in your need.
Brave in your limited surroundings.
Righteous in your desires for something different.
Contemptuous of those who had exactly what you wanted.
You hated them because they looked weak and slightly scared.
You circled the water hole and thought about closing in.

Now you have it and feel weak in your power to keep it.
You feel desperate to make them see that you won't let them take it away.
Because it's yours.
You never had to justify yourself and your possessions before.
I earned this.
I worked hard for what I've got.
I paid my dues.
I deserve this.
You say these things to yourself as the animals circle and wait.
Shake your fists at the Hyenas.
Chase them away from your water hole.
Justify.
See them all differently..
Now you see that they all want something.
You get some juice.
Human becomes prey.
Human gets scared.
Figure out that you have to become hard to keep it yours.
You have to be cruel.
You have to kill them off just for looking.
Leave the bodies by the water hole so the rest will see.
Hang spent bullet cases from fishing line outside
all the windows of your house.
Put up signs.
Please break in.
I would love the opportunity to kill you legally.

Let the fear turn into desperate anger.
Start seeing the differences in people.
They all start looking suspicious.
They all want.
The need never stops.
Out there, someone is always needing.
Always hungry.
Always looking at you.
Checking your eyes for weakness.
Zeroing in on the vein in your neck.
As they circle the water hole.
And close in.
                  Narration - Henry Rollins

--
The Awakening
[Instrumental]

--
Precipitation

There are stories of pleasure, there are stories of pain
But the gods torment me with slabs of rain
It started on a Thursday and went a double fortnight
And Junior read Stern by the pilot light
He ate more cheese than time allowed
So we stood him up sharp, we stood him up proud
And they looked at him funny, but they looked at him twice
Undressing with the eyeballs, verbal lashing him with spice
I speak the truth, I tell no lies
Been masturbatin' since the Fourth of July
Spill the beans, spill 'em all
The precipitation filled Spring from Fall
He didn't like faxes, he didn't like phones
When he stood among many, he stood alone
He loved his sausage, but shied from greens
Used to spin his little sister in the washin' machine

--
George E. Porge

All the time talking 'bout the inspiration
Best leave off about the rhyme
Along comes a boy
He's filled with adulation
Speculates if now is not the time

She was known to take a drop or two
in the morning
Yesterdays and lazy days the same
Will collagen and fingernails
and silicon adorning
All the boys, they knew her all by name

Now he's a sport and she's a sport
and all the world, they love a sport
And if you got the urge, we got the time
Layin' on her side, it makes her melancholy
She speculates if now is not the time

Now baby's breath and orchids are a
lethal combination.
When you get that girl
you got to go
And finger pie in April
leads to penetration...
But June, she's apt to take it kinda slow

HE's born in Beverly Hills but
raised in Albuquerque
All the little girls, they thought him fine
But George E. Porge, he's kissed the girls and
felt he's rather kiss the boys
And speculates if now is not the time

--
El Sobrante Fortnight

Brimming with all the hopes and desires of American
youth, he set forth as a leader of sorts.  Just what
sorts it is impossiblew to say at this time.  But he had
the imaginary support he needed to venture beyond
the small environment he'd come to know as his
home town.

Friends thought him foolish and felt free to fre-
quently tell him so.  Deep down they all felt envy.
Envious that he could muster, where they could not,
the courage that was necessary to embark beyond
the notion that survival was based upon the ability
to rise at seven a.m. five days a week.

He felt joy.  And well he should.  He was a "babe in
the woods" and a "kid in a candy store" all at the
same time.  The world was his oyster and he planned
to shuck it, cover it with Tabasco, and slurp it down
his cake hole all within an "El Sobrante fortnight".

Definition of an "El Sobrante fortnight" is yet to be
determined.  But reliable sources say the time span is
somewhere between two weeks and a decade.

--
Granny's Little Yard Gnome

Content to stand alone
Waiting, watching, guarding Granny's home
His face reflecting simple joy
But he is not a happy Plaster boy
"Careful sonny, not too close
Unless you want a lethal dose
of hardening..."
Patiently waiting for some shade
Wishing he could run away
Supressing any urge to roam
Such devotion from a little gnome
I once saw a calico that thought he could fly
And then the lanky Doberman that tinkled in my eye
A pacifict by nature, with ample common sense
But if I had my druthers, I'd rather be a fence
Now Granny, she's a good one, she shines me now and then
And come around this springtime, I'm due for paint again
On keeping Granny comfy, I try and earn my keep
I'm just wishing I had some eyelids, so I could get some sleep

--
Me and Chuck
[Instrumental]

--
Carolina Rig
[Instrumental]

##
Purple Onion

--
Purple Onion 

A purple onion...
Purple Onion...
Purple onion everybody laugh now
Purple onion everybody cry
Purple onion lookin' down at B.O.B.
when he crashed his motorcycle and he died
Old Bob Zimmerman knew the purple onion
Purple onion gave ol' Bob five
Purple onion yankin' like a freight train
Shoot white tears up into the sky
Purple onion
A purple onion...

--
David Makalaster

I'm David Makalaster
Your ten o'clock newscaster
My lips are moving faster than
My mind can comprehend

I'm David Makalaster
Your ten o'clock newscaster
Some call me Mr. Mcaly-Mouth
But think of me as friend

If you believe the things I tell you
I've a bridge or two to sell you
And since I've cut my intake down
My liver's on the mend

'Cause I'm David Makalaster
Your ten o'clock newscaster
Good evening and here's what's new

Isn't it awfully nice
To live in a world
Where everything's exactly how it seems

We live in a world
Where all you have to do
Is sit around and dream

About the things that make ya happy
The things that make ya smile
Lay back, relax
Apathy's back in style

I'm David Makalaster
Your ten o'clock newscaster
And I firmly execute
Every word I say

I'm David Makalaster
Your ten o'clock newscaster
Only 6% of America
Thinks that I am gay

If you believe the things I tell you
I've a bridge or two to sell you
And if you see the spider
Don't spill your curds and whey

'Cause I'm David Makalaster
Your ten o'clock newscaster
Good evening and here's what's new

Isn't it awfully nice
To live in a world
Where everything's exactly how it seems

We live in a world
That strokes you in the fire
To build up steam

We live in a world
Where all you have to do
Is sit around and dream

About the things that make ya happy
The things that make ya smile
Lay back, relax
Apathy's back in style
Apathy's back in style

I'm David Makalaster
Your ten o'clock newscaster
Good evening and here's what's new

--
Buzzards of Green Hill

Johnny come lately, all through the county
They come from the city, out here to Green Hill
Driving like bastards
Stomping the throttle
The buzzards of Green Hill grow fat on road kill.

Awwwwww,
Little Fuzzy Wuzzy was a baby bear,
Little Fuzzy Wuzzy didn't have no hair,
Little Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy was he
But he didn't give a good hot damn.

Little Ruby had a purry kitty cat
Brother ran him off with a tee-ball bat
Out on the Green Hill the little kitty cat sat
Til he met a '96 Dodge Ram.

Johnny come lately, all through the county
They come from the city, out here to Green Hill
Driving like bastards
Stomping the throttle
The buzzards of Green Hill grow fat on road kill.

Old John Donovon was drinkin' late
Took his car keys and taunted fate
Swervin' cross the interstate,
Crashed a mother and her son cold dead.

Took John Donovan hucked him in jail
He dipped in his wallet and posted bail
Headed back home before sunrise shine
And slept in his very own bed.

This little piggy won't cast a stone,
This little piggy won't pick the bone,
But these little piggies won't stand alone when justice needs to be
fed.

Johnny come lately, all through the county
They come from the city, out here to Green Hill
Driving like bastards
Stomping the throttle
The buzzards of Green Hill grow fat on road kill.

--
Long in the Tooth

Long in the tooth
Long in the tooth
I'm lookin' round the corner
And I'm long in the tooth

Waiter, hey check please
In the corner booth
I'm feelin' rather long in the tooth

Time is a loser, boozer, schnoozer
He carried up and married up
A midwest hoosier

Coffee beans
Fax machines
Playin' like a schmoozer
He's gettin' rather long in the tooth

Oysterhead, Zeppelin Led
Shoulda heard what granny said
Paco de Lucia never seen a man like Flouncin' Fred

Wrapped up
Tapped out
Crapped on
Bled

He's feelin' rather long in the tooth

Long in the tooth
Long in the tooth
Mother Nature's greedy when
You're long in the tooth
You ain't afraid of dying
But you're terrified of youth
You must be gettin' rather
Long in the tooth

Long in the tooth
Long in the tooth
If you're watchin' Price is Right
Then you're damn long in the tooth

I sold off my rebellion
For a pocket full of couth
'Cause I'm getting
Rather long in the tooth

Stompin' Tom says "Hey, hi, heave, hi, ho"
Stompin' Tom says "Hey, hi, heave, hi, ho"
Stompin' Tom says "Hey, hi, heave, hi, ho"
Stompin' Tom says "Hey, hi, heave, hi, ho"

Long in the tooth
Long in the tooth
Long in the tooth
Long in the tooth
Well I'll take mine dirty
With a splash of Vermouth
I kinda like bein' long in the tooth

--
Whamola

Who's gonna do what Simon say?

I'm gonna do what Simon says
I'm gonna do what Simon says
I'm gonna do what Simon says
Of course we should what Simon says

I'm gonna do what Simon says
I'm gonna do what Simon says
I'm gonna do what Simon says
Of course I'ma do what Simon says

--
Ding Dang

They used to call him nigger boy
When he was but a tyke
So he grew up to be
An angry young man

They said: "Run now nigger boy!"
At football games in highschool
He grew up to be
An angry young man

If they'd called him a brother
or a neighbor or a cousin
Then the world would be less
one angry young man

But they called him little nigger boy
When he was but a tyke
So he grew up to be
An angry young man

They called him little white trash
When he went down to schoolyard
He grew up to be
An ignorant man

They said: "Hey little white trash,
You aint got no shoes on."
He grew up to be an ignorant man

If they'd called him a brother
or a neighbor or a cousin
Then the world would be less
one ignorant man

But they called him little white trash
When he went down the school yard
So he grew up to be
An ignorant man

[Chorus]
Well ding dang
Hey ho
A ding dang
Hey ho
A ding dang
Hey ho
No matter where you are
There you go

They called Michael a liar
When he was but a tyke
So he grew up to be
An incarcerated man

They said: "Hey little liar,
We gonna fill your mouth with dish soap."
He grew up to be
An incarcerated man

If they'd called him a brother
or a neighbor or a cousin
Then the world would be less
one incarcerated man

But they called Michael a liar
When he was but a tyke
So he grew up to be
An incarcerated man

[Chorus]

They used to call him faggot
'Cause they didn't like his hairstyle
He grew up to be
A bitter young man

They said: "Hey little faggot,
We're gonna get your xxx in dodgeball."
He grew up to be
A bitter young man

If they'd called him a brother
or a neighbor or a cousin
Then the world would be less
one bitter young man

But they called him little faggot
'Cause they didn't like his hairstyle
So he grew up to be
A bitter young man

[Chorus x2]

--
Barrington Hall

Does anybody here remember
Barrington Hall?
Does anybody here remember
Barrington?

They're happy in the night
And lethargic in the day
The people that live in
Barrington Hall

It gave him quite the fright
When wrine ferret came his way
And he nearly lost his mind
Here in Barrington Hall

Just when I had thought
I'd seen it all
I stumbled 'round the corner
Into Barrington Hall

Does anybody here remember
Barrington Hall?
Does anybody here remember
Barrington?

The folks are full of smiles
As you're gazing at the walls
And the pictures draw you into the heart of
Barrington Hall

The stairs are rather big
While the room's extremely small
And smells are really interesting
At Barrington Hall

They drink up all the wine
Some opiate the time
No hands are free from grime
Here at Barrington Hall

They care not wrong from right
They electrocute the night
And it's always quite a sight
Down at Barrington Hall

And just when I had thought
I'd seen it all
I stumbled 'round the corner
Into Barrington Hall

Does anybody here remember
Barrington Hall?
Any recollection of Barrington?

--
D's Diner

[Chorus]
Who wants to go to D's Diner? (I do)
Who wants to go down to D's? (me)

There's a place just off the Gravenstein
Where the milkshakes flow like wine

The best damn breakfast Burrito
You can get anywhere anytime

When I think of them fried egg sandwishes
Well, my mouth starts waterin' hard

And them sweet potato fries
And onion rings taste just right
'Cause they don't fry in lard

[Chorus]

Well fancy ketchup, bendy straw
This aint your average ma and pa

Grab a booth or sit outside
Have a dose of rainbow pride

Order at the window sill
And watch 'em fry up there on the grill

Bring your daughters, bring your sons
They serve their franks on gourmet buns

Tell your friends to come and see
'Cause no one serves it up quite like D
(x2)

[Chorus]

House-a-Hula Burger
Got teriyaki pineapple rings

Caliente Burger
Hot chiles that'll make you sing

Malted buttermilk pancakes all day long
Malted buttermilk pancakes all day long

[Chorus]

--
Lights in the Sky

Propped up, dropped out, rest up right
Probably shouldn't try and leave town tonight

I've got a dollar bill, you've got a fire
It's damn good to be alive

Look up, look out, look in and see
I do believe there's somebody eyeballin' me

If I move to the left, do you move to the right?
No matter where I jump I'm still locked in their sights
The lights in the sky keep calling my name...
They're calling my name. I think they're coming for me

Calling my name...
Calling my name...
They're calling my name...
Calling my name...
They're coming for me.

--
Up on the Roof

The jones comes in late at night
It huts with a terrible bite
They don't come knockin' on my door
Or slink across the greasy floor

I'm up on the roof again
Watchin' the sparklers dance and play
Up on the roof again
Please don't take my ladder away(3x)

The jones it likes to call my name
Ain't got no one else for to blame
It grabs me by the shorty hairs
And drags me damn near everywhere

I'm up on the roof again
Watchin' the sparklers dance and play
Up on the roof again
Please don't take my ladder away(3x)

--
David Makalaster II

I'm David Makalaster
Your ten o'clock newscaster
And the xxxx has
Just hit the fan

I'm David Makalaster
Your ten o'clock newscaster
There's a scourge
Trampin' cross our land

The film I'm about to show you
Will fill and overflow you
With a rage that's
Beyond command

I'm David Makalaster
Your ten o'clock newscaster
Good evening and
Here's what's new

Wouldn't it be so nice
To live in a world
Where everything's exactly
How it seems

But we live in a world
Where bastards come along
And piss on your dreams

About the things that make ya happy
The things that make ya smile
Get off your ass
Vengeance is back in style

I'm David Makalaster
Your ten o'clock newscaster
And perhaps you didn't
Hear me right

I'm David Makalaster
Your ten o'clock newscaster
Every man Jack of you
Should volunteer to fight

If I were only ten years younger
I'd slake this vengeful hunger
And rest assured we'd all
Sleep safe tonight

This is David Makalaster
Your ten o'clock newscaster
Good evening and God bless you

Wouldn't it be so nice
To live in a world
Where everything's exactly
How it seems

But we live in a world
Where bastards come along
And piss on your dreams

About the things that make ya happy
The things that make ya smile
Get off your ass
Vengeance is back in style

--
Cosmic Highway

On the cosmic highway to the moon

We're on the cosmic highway to the moon
The bays are loaded and the engine's well in tune

Dad says at this rate
We should get there half past June

The earth is rather dreary
Since we singed the sky
On the cosmic highway to the moon

On the cosmic highway to the moon
Sensing arrival to be relatively soon
Gaze out the window to the surface of the moon

The earth is rather dreary
Since we singed the sky
On the cosmic highway to the moon

And it's okay
A thousand tiny voices softly say
Do you wanna go? Do you wanna go?
On the cosmic highway to the moon
To the moon

On the cosmic highway to the moon
We're on the cosmic highway to the moon
This trip we're taking has only just begun
Had to leave the moon 'cause we used up all the fun

The moon is rather dreary
Since we singed our mind
On the cosmic highway to the sun

But it's okay
A thousand tiny voices softly say
I wanna go, I wanna go
Onward, outward, upward to the sun

To the moon
To the sun

##
Of Whales and Woe

--
Back Off Turkey 

Back off turkey
I think I'm comin' around again
I think I'm comin' around again
I'm comin' around again

I'm comin' around with vengeance on my chin
I'm comin' around with bristles on my hide
Comin' around with hair dyed and eyes wide
I'm comin' around again

Back off turkey
I think I'm comin' around again
I think I'm comin' around again
I'm comin' around again

Oh you can sit and smell me sweat
You can sit and watch me spin
Cause I'm comin' around again
I'm comin' around again
I'm comin' around again
With both barrels blazin'
I'm comin' around again
While cows are grazin' and glass is crazin'
Around the edges
Damned if I'll smoke them Benson & Hedges
I'm comin' around again
I'm comin' around again
Cause I'm comin' around again

--
One Better

Ol' Silk Johnson, cruisin up mighty fine
Got a brand new cadillac.
Buddy comrad Smith, rollin down the line
Got a last year's cadillac.
Johnson said hey smitty boy, what ya thinkin' of my spankin hot
cadillac?
Smith just reeled his head back, looked him in the eye, "that's a
mighty fine cadillac.

[chorus] But i'm gonna get me one better.(just you wait and see).
I'mma gonna get me one better. (you can't get the best of me).
I'mma gonna get me one better. (the baddest one around).
I'mma gunna get me one better. (cuz' i got the biggest balls in
town).[chorus]

Remember ol' Khrushchev when he was ridin' high with that sputnik satellite.
He told us yankee boys, he's gunna fill the skies with them shiny new
  satellites.
He said "hey Mr. Eisenhower, watcha think of my sputnik satellite?"
Ike reeled his head back
Looked him in the eye, that's a mighty fine satellite.

[chorus]

I'm gonna get one better.

--
Lust Stings

It's been so long
Since we've talked about things
Should'a took time to reconnoiter
Lust stings

Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
I'm gonna eat me some worms
I'm gonna eat me some worms

I got the herpes on my pecker
Sometimes it itches and burns
I'm gonna eat me some worms

It's been so long
Since we've really talked about things
S'cuse me while I reconnoiter
Lust stings

I'm gonna eat me some worms

--
Of Whales and Woe

the bowels gurgle a bit more these days it seems
and he thinks more about the way he saunters 'round
the posture of his father is not his chosen destination
but though his head remains in the same proximity
his chin with creeping dangle moves closer to the ground

he aims his good ear best he can towards conversation and sometimes
leans in awkward toward your seat
and if by chance one feels their space too invaded
then try your best to calmly be discreet
because this septic breathed man that stands before you
is a champion from days gone by

and the tales of whales and woe off his liquored toungue will flow
the light will soft white twinkle off the cataracts in his eye
so if by chance you're cornered near the bathroom
or he blocks you sprawled in his aisle seat
embrace the chance to hear some tales of greatness
'cause he is the most interesting ball of toxins you're ever apt to meet

--
Vernon the Company Man

Vernon was a company man
He kept his hair trimmed short
And his sideburns shaved
He was a Brill cream man
He liked Swiss and ham
He drank beer out of can
On Saturdays
He was a company man

Vernon was a company man
His hat glommed on to his head
Like a bottle cap
His face read
Like a topographical map
And he could chat like a bird
When there was nothing to say
He was a company man

Vernon was a company man
He had an Ex-wife and ex-kid
An ex-dog an ex-house
He played footsies with
A dead mans spouse
Then the Marlboro man
Dug him an early grave
He's a company man
He's a company man

--
Phantom Patriot

The Phantom Patriot (Repeat)

Creeping ever creepy
Like a fox in the night
Turning wrongs into right
He boldly works alone
With a crossbow on his shoulder
And a saber at his side
His brand is guns and knives
His mask is white as bone.

Bridge
The Phantom Patriot (Repeat)
He's come to save the day
The Phantom Patriot (Repeat)
He's come to save the day
Yes he's come to save the day. (So desperately the way)

Walking through the compound
With a formulated plan
There'd had been so a man
At this decisive point in time
The Bohemians at The Grove
Don't see it quite the same
Smelling danger in his game
They dub his quest a crime.

Searching for his query
Through the elite redwood maze
He's walked provisioned for forty days and nights
He must remain alert
And though he's not intended
Our hero soon is apprehended
Phantom  in sharpie
Written boldly cross his shirt.

--
Iowan Gal

I got me an Iowan gal
You should see my Iowan Gal.
I got me an Iowan gal.
You may try to win her, but you never will pal
My purebred, cornfed Iowan gal.

I got me an Iowan gal.
She's pretty as a picture, happy as a clown
Pinch me and tell me how lucky I am
You may try to win her but you never will pal
My purebred, cornfed Iowan gal.

I got me an Iowan gal.
Well you should see my Iowan gal.
I got me an Iowan gal.
She's got a round bottom I like to spank
She quilt me up a kashmir blankets
Pretty as a picture, happy as a clown
Pinch me and tell me how lucky I am
You may try to win her but you never will pal
My purebred, cornfed Iowan gal.

I got me an Iowan gal.
Well you should see my Iowan gal.
I got me an Iowan gal.
She's the sweetest thing this side of Des Moines
She cooks up a mighty fine pork loin
So hop on an airplane, catch a train, pal
Get youself a cornfed Iowan gal.

You should see my Iowan gal.

--
Nothin' Ventured

Nothin' ventured, nothin' gained
His old time dentures pitted and coffee stained
Drove a milk truck for an outfit called Dairy Time
Till the cobwebs filled and clouded his mind

Something borrowed, something blue
Rest assured her love was always true
They raised their Sons in a place called Tomales Bay
Then melanoma came and took her away

He doesn't worry but will often pine
The biggest obstacle is passin time
He sold his house and bought a big old wood trawler
Now he drags the ocean to earn a square dollar

Nothin' ventured, nothin' gained
The salty air helps to fade the pain
A simple man with a simple wish
Affable seas and an occasional load of fish

Nothin' ventured, nothin' gained
Every now and then
Yer gonna get slapped with a slab of rain
Nothin' ventured, nothin' gained
Some die and leave their mark
Some just a stain

Nothin' ventured nothin' gained...

--
Rumble of the Diesel

I like the rumble of the diesel and the smell of the oil
I percolate my coffee off the radiator boil
I been chasin' tuna nearly 27 years
I got the eyeballs of an eagle but there's ringing in my ears

I like the rumble of the diesel and the smell of the oil
Granddad was a farmer but I couldn't stand the soil
I like to keep it simple; it helps to keep me sane
I like floating in the ocean it nullifies the pain

Some say we can find a place
Between heaven and hell
Some work to make the bread rise
I like to plow the ocean swell
Errol's got a sweet monterey
Rigged for salmon and crab
Never had a family
Unless you count that old yellow lab

I like the rumble of the diesel and the smell of the oil
I percolate my coffee off the radiator boil
I been chasin' tuna nearly 27 years
I got the eyeballs of an eagle but there's ringing in my ears

I like the rumble of the diesel and the smell of the oil
Granddad was a farmer but I couldn't stand the soil
I like to keep it simple; it helps to keep me sane
I like floating in the ocean it nullifies the pain

Lookin' back to '95
I had a fresh Cummings re-power
Draggin' lines for Albacore
'Till the market went sour
We talked of strike for 40 days
'Cause the price was drove down
And when we finally settled up
We got less than a dollar a pound

I like the rumble of the diesel and the smell of the oil
I percolate my coffee off the radiator boil
I been chasin' tuna nearly 27 years
I got the eyeballs of an eagle but there's ringing in my ears

I like the rumble of the diesel and the smell of the oil
Granddad was a farmer but I couldn't stand the soil
I like to keep it simple; it helps to keep me sane
I like floating in the ocean it nullifies the pain

--
Robot Chicken

It's alive

--
Filipino Ray

Filipino Ray can sing it out
Like you would not believe
Always has a blond freckle faced lady
Dangling from his sleeve

Filipino Ray he played an old Les Paul
Big ol' jumbo fret
Had scars up on the headstock
From where he kept his lit cigarette

Filipino Ray had a fang tooth
And a face like a China moon
Them biker gals squealed when he'd flip his hair back
Step up to the mic and croon

Filipino Ray was a smiler
Quick with a tale or a joke
And more than happy to lend you his ear
Especially if you had brought him a fresh bourbon and coke

Filipino Ray had seen his share of demons
And many days of black
But when he picked his guitar and sang back to the bar
He pissed the monkey off his back

Now Filipino Ray he could belt it out
Like you would not believe
It's been 5 years for this guitar man
Since he rolled up his sleeve

Now Filipino Ray he's a smiler
Quick with a tale or a joke
He'd likely as not give you the shirt off his back
All over bourbon and coke 

--
Off-White Guilt
[instrumental]

##
Of Fungi and Foe

--
Mushroom Men

You may see horses try to fly
A dog with periwinkle eyes
But peppered earth with chunks of sky
Now there's a sight worth seeing

When sod gets moist with dewy flow
The fungus spores they start to show
And if you're sharp and in the know
You may spy a different being

Mushroom men

I lean my head on window pane
and stare right down at through the rain
And though the dims an awful strain
I think I seen a mushroom man(2x)

Mushroom men

Balitas, Balitas
I'm lookin' for malitas(3x)
Don't touch the Amanitas
Look out for Amanitas

Mushroom men

Be it seven suns or seven trout
They came to see with throbbing doubt
The fungi as they pranced about
The Mu-Mu-Mushroom men

Now when mareseatoats and doeseatoats
And jackalopes eat bacon
It's time to get your glasses checked
'Cause surely you're mistaken

--
Amanitas

When Amanitas came, he could not obstain
and he took a juicy bite.
He felt that he could see, the forest beyond the trees, and she
squeezed his head real tight.
He knew he'd changed his luck, paid a buck for cord and cluck, but
somethin just wasn't right. Somethin didn't feel quite right.
Boom boom boom, I can feel your poison.
Ha ha ha
I can feel your poison boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom
When Amanitas came, it left his brain, feelin a tad bit sour.
When the pompous ones arrived, he was barely alive, she'd sucked him
dry of all his power.
Now if your feelin bold, don't say that you'd not be told, she'll
knock the ivory off your tower, n then she'll glower.
Boom boom boom I can feel your poison.
n I can feel your poison, boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom.
Now if your trousers full of spores, an you can get down on all fours
to search the ground like hungry oxen.
Cause the fearless folk(?) as friends, your kinship has no end, til
they pump you full of toxin. (laughing)
Toxin!

--
Red State Girl

She got dirt up under her fingernails
She got lint down between her toes
She got paint above her eyeballs and
Powder on and up in her nose
She got tits made out of recycled bottles
Her hair flipped up in a twirl
She wants to grow up to be Sarah Palin
She's a self-proclaimed bonafide red state girl

He likes the Redskins rather than foreskins
He got a tattoo of Budweiser frogs
He got Sears tools since he can't afford Snap-On
Spent his money on a pedigree huntin' dog
He's a poor man stuck in a poor man's body
And he shot his very first squirrel
He's got a naked picture of Sarah Palin
Looking for a self-proclaimed bonafide red state girl

Bow de de bow bow
Bow de de bow bow

--
Booneville Stomp

Stomp, Stomp the Booneville Stomp
The Ba-Ba-Ba-Booneville Stomp

Maudie worked for the forestry
But he couldn't make ends meet
Maudie went to the hydro store
Soon he became part of the town elite
Got down with the town elite

(Chorus)

Sadie knew the preacher man
She pedicured his wife
Sadie told the boys in town
Soon they came
Threatened to take his life

(Chorus)

Micheal lived with the Sarah-Lee's
And played hardball fast
Now he's part of a crazy cast
The greatest cast

(Chorus)

Now Betsy was flirty
Tried to be homecoming queen
But Allie had a few more trinkets
and something in-between

Now Betsy had an ear for music 
And a voice for unique tone
But at 19 had a baby boy
So her dreams never got a chance to roam

Never thought from home

--
What Would Sir George Martin Do

Sir George Martin
What would Sir George Martin do

Flew into London landed in Heathrow
Waiting on the baggage man
It soon became apparent they couldn't find my luggage
I stood there with my pecker in my hand
It's times like these I wish I were a little more assertive
Why can't I be just like my father always told me to be

Sir George Martin
What would Sir George Martin do

Wanted to catch a cab but I hadn't any Sterling
The ATM was broken where I went
The Grange hotel reluctantly advanced me on the Amex
But then they billed me twenty percent
It's times like these I tend to get overly assertive
Why can't I be just like my mother always told me to be

Sir George Martin
What would Sir George Martin do

A film I saw was introduced by Sir George Martin
Then he sat two seats in front of me
I filled my head with vino and I marveled in the darkness
Pondering his stellar legacy
It's times like these my memories are gloriously assertive
I try to be just like my teacher always told me to be

Sir George Martin
What would Sir George Martin do

We spent the rest of the night with friends and Giels Martin
Stories and tequila began to flow
Jason Mac he vommited into some poor bastards pocket
That's when I knew it was time to go
It's times like these I have to stand up and be assertive
I try to be just like the Doctor always tells me to be.

Sir George Martin
What would Sir George Martin do

--
You Can't Tell Errol Anything

Now Errol's a smart boy who delivered big weed
Says he can get you all that you may ever need
He got careless and filled his face with greed
20 pounds past the limit 20 miles over the speed

Now Errol always said he was a jack of all trades
He'll work on damn near anything as long as he's paid
If you've got a project, he's quick to your aid
Just don't bitch about the service or critique the grade?

Cause you can't tell Errol anything
Cause Errol knows everything

Now Errol plays music whenever he can
Him and some Friends went and started a prog-rock band
But when they wouldn't always adhere to his plan
He packed up his P.A. and like a bastard he ran

Now Errol claimed his business was fully legit
Swore up and down that he'd never get bit
But now incarceration has forced him to quit
Cause Errol, the smart boy who wouldn't listen for shit
(haha)

You can't tell Errol anything
Cause Errol thinks he knows everything

--
Bite Out of Life

Some say life's like an apple
I prefer to think of it as pie

I knew a boy who took a bite out of life
He took a bite out of life
I knew a boy who took a bite out of life
He took a big ol' juicy bite out of life

I have known a thing or two about
Love and lust and fly fishing for trout
If you feel your days are getting dim
Grab a hold of life and sink your teeth right in

I knew a boy who took a bite out of life
He took a bite out of life
I knew a boy who took a bite out of life
He took a big ol' juicy bite out of life

--
Kazoo

Have you met Kazoo
She's a beautiful girl
She came from the depths of the greasy underbelly
Of this big brown world

Have you met Kazoo
She's a dainty little thing
Give her liver crackers and a rub on the belly
And her heart will sing

Cause Kazoo's got what all the others want
With long, luxurious nails
And if there's a spark as you're strollin' through the park
She'll be shakin' her tail

Have you met Kazoo

Have you met Kazoo
She's got a curious smile
When she gets excited you may find it overwhelming
If she pees on the tile

Cause Kazoo's got what all the others want
With long, luxurious nails
And if there's a spark as you're strollin' through the park
They'll wanna sniff her tail

--
Primed by 29

Damn that's some shitty wine
It tastes like butter and beaver brine
But if you fill my glass another time
I'm sure it'll begin to taste just fine
I'm sure it'll taste just fine

Damn that's some chewy beef
Gristled gum beyond belief
But roll him out another spliff
And I'm sure it'll begin to taste just fine
I'm sure it'll taste just fine

(instrumental)

Jeez what a horrible song
It stinks like a big wet donkey dong
But if you wrap your lips around a bong
I'm sure it'll begin to sound just fine
I'm sure it'll sound just fine

Man what a snoozer show
A shindig type but don't you know
If you cram your sinus' full of blow
I'm sure you'll begin to have a good time
(haha)

(break)

Hey mister spare-a-dime
Seems the boy has broke his mind
He took it to the limit every time
But he Primed by 29
He Primed by 29
Hes got a broken mind

--
Pretty Little Song

If you're facin' imminent disaster
Sing a little song
A pretty little song

If they start to question your abilities
Well sing a little song
A pretty little song

As the stones are moving
  through your kidneys
Sing a little song
A pretty little song

There's something strange a
  chaffing at your testes
Well sing a little song
A pretty little song

If they accuse you of not flossing daily
Well sing a little song
And tell them that they're wrong
A pretty little song

--
Of Fungi and Foe
(instrumental)

--
Ol' Rosco 

Have you seen ol' Rosco
He like to drink when he drives
Have you seen ol' Rosco
I wouldn't be a bit surprised
If he's out there now
Driving like mad
Swerving and weaving
Thinks he's a model dad
Like a bastard he's grinning
With teeth full of bugs
Headin' home from the brewery
The old lunch time chug-a-lug

Have you seen ol' Rosco
He doesn't think when he drives
Have you seen ol' Rosco
I am a bit surprised
That they haven't nailed him
For drivin' like a fool
Except maybe that one time
Drivin' his daughter home from
  dancin' school
You see they caught him red
  nose slurring
He blew a .09
Made his wife come and get him
Paid him a 200 dollar fine

Have you seen ol' Rosco
He's too damn drunk to drive
Seen him pissin' in the bathroom
That's when he gave me the evil eye
I said, "Boy I think you had too many
Why don't you give up them keys?"
He told me to mind my business
Said he's gonna do as he damn
  well please
So I ordered hot doffee
And an Oly on tap
I put the Oly to my lips
Then I poured the hot coffee in his lap

Have you seen ol' Rosco
He wasn't supposed to drive
He left here three hours ago
His wife says he never arrived
He could be out there bleedin'
In the bottom of some ditch
Some say it serves him right
The selfish sons-a-bitch
But this time he went head on
With a purple PT Cruiser
Came out without a scratch
That's the dumb luck of a boozer

Have you seen ol' Rosco
They say he's lucky to be alive
As for the driver of the Cruiser
I'm told she may not survive
And she's the mother of three
Well two for sure
See the one in her belly
Had to be taken premature

Now Rosco feels bad
Afraid he might get sued
Good thing he's incorporated
You see not as much risk to lose
Have you seen ol' Rosco
Now they won't let him drive
His son takes him bar hopping
He slips some drinks on the side
His wife's always bragging
How he ain't drank in a while
Just afternoon nappin'

Life's great in denial
Life's great in denial